I asked no other thing,
No other was denied.
I offered Being for it;
The mighty merchant smiled.
Brazil? He twirled a button,
Without a glance my way:
“But, madam, is there nothing else
That we can show to-day?”
-Emily Dickinson
Sometimes I wonder if I jinxed myself with that Emily Dickinson poem – it was the featured item on my college yearbook page, representing all the possibility I wished for. Or did I actually bless myself, and lay the ground work for actualizing a life so different from the one I might easily have led? Either way, adventure in the form of living abroad has come my way numerous times, culminating in my almost (!!!) 9 years here in Japan. I wouldn’t trade any of it, even the days that were hard, but we have been away from “home” for a very long time. Which brings me to my point…
I am at a crossroads – a huge one. And I have a major decision to make.
In the past years I haven’t had much control over what happens to me at the macro level – that “trailing spouse” tag is trite but true. But at the micro level, I have been able to build a life for myself and my family wherever we have lived. I like to think of myself as a “grow where you plant me” kind of person, but it always takes hard work to make that come true. So I can continue trailing or I can push back and say it is time to let go, time to have a “regular” life again. Either way, there is a major good-bye at hand, a good-bye that I find painful to write, a good-bye to one of my great loves.
Good bye Tokyo. Good bye Japan. (It looks so scary and real in type)
I’ve been musing about the way a physical place can have a personality and what that means for those who live there. So humor me and come on a bit of an architectural journey, from where I am, to where I might be…
As my compass and my North star, the Tokyo Tower is an iconic beacon of the city skyline at night. Whenever I am not sure where am I, a glimpse of it will help set me to rights, although I don’t get lost very often these days.
With two school-aged daughters, one of whom is entering high school next year, school is another major compass point in our family life. We have been part of a very special international community.
Have you ever wondered what my house in Tokyo looks like? Have you had visions of a modern architectural gem, as almost all my family and friends from the US do until they actually visit me here? Everyone seems to have an idealized vision of Japanese design chops and then…they see my house, which for Japan, is actually pretty good.
Not much to look at from the outside, but it has housed us well.
My choice then, if I actually have one, which I may not, is between the familiar, the familial, a place I already know so well, one that hardly needs a nighttime beacon…
…and a place so different from any I might ever have imagined I would live in. The idea of it scares me, but also excites me with the possibility of the new. The Torch is not quite the architectural icon that the other two towers are, but nonetheless, in my two short visits I’ve used it just the same way to help me orient myself.
School for the girls could be the fulfillment of a long-held dream of mine, although repatriation may have many unexpected bumps and lumps.
Our other choice is a continuation – and it does feel almost like an adjunct campus of their current school – of a life filled with other global nomads (that “Third Culture Kids” tag is another one I hate), possibly a much easier transition. And the chance to continue living an experiential life, instead of one where everything single thing done is really just to put on their college application, feels appealing. Palm trees and amazing facilities don’t hurt either.
Two different sets of fantasy housing. The first has real neighborhoods, with seasons and stately sycamores overarching, near old friends and family.
My 12-year-old suburban self determined that she would one day live in a brownstone.
My grown-up city self thinks a brick Greek Revival would do as well. I’m not picky.
The other choice is a bit of a scary word, a “compound.” It certainly sounds a bit off-putting and I’m not sure my city self thinks the American lingo, a “gated community,” would be any better. But it comes with beautiful warm weather all year, too hot at times, but swimming possible almost everyday and an abundance of Bougainvillea.
But on the other hand, the word “villa” has the best of connotations, charming and elegant.
Imagine sunset over the desert, bargaining at the souk, arches and jalis screens at the windows…
…and tea under the loggia in the garden.
Where am I choosing between you may ask? Well, I am sure you recognized New York and perhaps even the leafy tree-lined streets of Brooklyn. The other may not be so familiar, in fact I am sure it is not. Tropical, desert, city and oh so different, sitting smack in the middle of the Middle East. Doha, Qatar.
We won’t be leaving until the end of the school year and after that we will do our usual summer at the beach in New Jersey. As for Tokyo Jinja, it will go on, just the same, with maybe a slightly expanded horizon. Tokyo Jinja is, after all, a state of mind and I am a global antiques warrior no matter where I land.
Desiree
Listen to your heart with a clear conscience and you will make the right decision at your crossroad….However, I say there’s something to be said about the “road less traveled!” Big hug, x Desiree
Tokyo Jinja
You certainly have been an inspiration in that way – just wish I could keep you still long enough to make my way to the Grand Bazaar!
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Liza
well, i live here in Doha …. i thought i recognised the buildings ! it is not so bad!!!!
Tokyo Jinja
Then I think we need to talk! And I don’t expect bad – challenging, frustrating, exciting maybe, but not bad….
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L.
Oh gosh….
I know exactly where your house is! And now you’re leaving!
Coincidentally, we just found out some news ourselves today, but the kids and I are staying in Japan, and my husband is leaving alone.
Tokyo Jinja
Please share your news! Being apart from my husband is one thing we are trying to avoid – I’d love to hear how you are planning on managing it. Coffee sometime soon?
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CLOTH & KIND
Jacqueline, I am so, so excited for you and this next phase of adventure that life in Doha will bring! There will undoubtedly be that difficult period of adjustment for you and your beautiful family, which is to be expected when landing someplace completely new. But you are, as you said, the ultime global warrior (antiques, yes, but also just in general) and if I’ve learned anything about you it’s that you find the beauty wherever you are. I can’t wait to see how Tokyo Jinja evolves with this new turn of events in your life!!
xo
Krista
Tokyo Jinja
Krista, I have to say being hooked up with you and your wonderful blog is helping making any change easier on me – I feel connected through my work and my writing to a community larger than just the one I am living in. Thank you so mcuh for your kind words and your friendship!
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Meika
What a daunting decision! I have no words of wisdom, but if I remember correctly one of my friends from when we were in Japan lives in Doha. She is in a very different life place than you are, but do let me know if you’d like me to put you in touch.
Tokyo Jinja
It’s funny over the last months how many people have been coming out of the woodwork – by all means put us in touch. Thank you!
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Jackie
As a 30+ year expat and alumnus of 5 international schools I can say that I truly understand what you are going through. Starting from next week I go to six months of Geneva, my version of a normal life, after 15 years in Africa. My home, filled with memories of years in Hong Kong and other corners in Asia, as well as five African countries, speaks to familiarity with the textures, sounds and smells about which you write. The Middle East has provided rugs for the floor and friends who park on them to eat with their hands (whether the offerings are satay or sushi). I am packing up my snail home to stay in storage until it will be unpacked in a base of sorts in France before I go off again….not sure where yet, but the imagination tells stories of what could be, depending on the options on the table.
You say you don’t like the term third culture kid but although I resisted the (not brilliantly written) book for decades, it speaks to me and to others like me as we near middle age. The concept, of belonging to a culture that is neither that of our parents nor one tied to the georpgraphy of our youth can be confronting; in fact, it is true. We belong to something bigger than we are and we recognise our brothers and sisters everywhere. Broad church, I have never known an ungenerous TCK circle. Wherever you land this time, your girls, like my sister and our friends, will find these lucky, slightly quirky, individuals and will be at home.
You don’t need to be told that the return ‘home’ can be harder than any lateral move to a nurturing international school and I am sure that your family will find ways to negotiate that process if it is to be NY. Either way, enjoy the dreaming and know that your design family will follow you wherever you tread.
Tokyo Jinja
Jackie, I have been reading and re-reading all the comments and I keep coming back to yours – it captures exactly how I feel in so many many ways. In my two short visits to Doha, I have had social engagements everyday – the global sisterhood has jumped to meet me, help me, advise me in any way they can. WE know that as hard as it may seem to the non-expat world that a landing in Doha may actually be easier than a landing in NY. And my girls will find their people wherever we go. Thank you so much for your vote of confidence and sharing your experience. I am planning on having my (almost) 14 year old read it! Broad church….love it!
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kathleen
You know my vote on the move….any word on school? FYI, the kitchen bench will be delivered sometime this morning so I will photograph and send. I will then be able to decide if I want it against the wall or floating (my inclination) which will then allow me to hang the light and the katagami, soooo after buying chairs I will be basically done with that room! As for “finalizing” rooms we should discuss the rug/pillows/and cover then I will be well on my way to finishing the office (OK I will need a desk, shelves and a chair, but progress none-the-less). I do think it is a bit odd that for a person who is not drawn to blue, I will have so much blue in my home??
P.S. I see you went to Mt. Takao for the yoga retreat, how was it?
Anne Coykendall Wilhoit
Wow! Are there antique shops in Doha? Wishing you all the best no matter what you decide!
Tokyo Jinja
Always antique shops everywhere…
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Maja Lithander Smith
So lovely I think you’ll go to Doha
Would love to hear more of your time there…
Xoxoxo
marianne
Feels like ages since we have last spoken! Wow! Lots of change for you and your family… There is excitement in both opportunities and with your amazing attitude either will option will work for your family… With time I am sure the right decision will reveal itself! Your are going to be greatly missed in Japan! I am sure many will agree it will not be the same without you there!! Look forward to the update!!! Much Love, Marianne
Tokyo Jinja
Marianne, I know you have had quite a bit of change and upheaval in the last few years, but looks like you have landed on your feet! Would love to catch up sometime soon. Hugs, J
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Becky-no-longer-in-Penang
My heart goes out to you ‘cuz I faced a similar agonizing uprooting myself recently. But we’re so lucky to be offered the chance to know other cultures firsthand and in depth, not just as tourists. Your daughters may be unhappy now at the prospect of leaving their friends, but later in life what fascinating things they’ll have to talk about at college entrance and job interviews! You’ll find a network of supportive ladies there, no doubt, and new professional opportunities will gradually find you. I do believe you’ll regret it if you look back on your life and have to say “I could have lived in the Middle East but I passed up the chance.” You go for it, girl!
Tokyo Jinja
Thanks for the vote of confidence Becky!!!
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coulda shoulda woulda
Wow – this must be quite a moment for you. I used to travel houses and when younger when to an international school. This is one of those things…So exciting and must be sad. But you couldn’t get quite so opposite if you tried.
I am sure you will make the most of the time spent living in Tokyo.
I look forward to your new adventure in Qatar!
Wendy
Jacqueline! I love you! You DO bloom where you are planted! It will be a great new chapter in your life no matter which route becomes yours! You will make it beauty-full! I can’t wait to see which you go! Happy adventures! xxxx
greenkooka
You know where I prefer but we will visit wherever you are. And you make beautiful homes no matter what city you are in! xoxo
lisa jardine
I’m sure there won’t be a post that will change your mind one way or another. But if you are concerned about the transition back to America, as it relates to your daughters, I wouldn’t worry too much. I know your girls and they will be great no matter where they land. And since I’ve just gone through a transition back to NY from Tokyo, I feel I have some inside info on the subject – the only one that is really sad and longs for Japan is ME! Everyone else is very happy to be back home even though the initial thought of leaving Japan was heinous. And I feel strongly about picking and sticking when it comes to High School. So if you go to Doha, four years may seem like a very long long long time. But I know that in NY you wouldn’t have that feeling at all… my very long winded two cents.
Tokyo Jinja
I’m with you on picking and sticking and hope that things work out that way – but I also think I am willing to try and have it fail, knowing that home waits. That seems to be my mindset and my instincts are that it won’t actually fail.
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Denise Kallas
I agree with the comment regarding high school that you pick and stick. That being said 4 years is about how long it takes to know a place 🙂 I know all of you will do well wherever you choose. Follow your heart 🙂
Christine
Very excited to hear where you end up, Jacqueline. You will indeed grow wherever you are planted! Best of luck in the journey. Cheers!
Loi - Tone on Tone
Dear Jacqueline – What big changes ahead! I think it is wonderful and so exciting. Also disruptive and scary. Especially for your beautiful girls with new schools, classmates and friends. But, children can be so adaptive. You all are truly a global family with many international connections and experiences.
I received my beautiful pillow from LuRu! Even more lovely in person!! The indigo color is deep and rich. Thank you for hosting the giveaway. Look forward to sharing it on my blog ~
Warm greetings from DC,
Loi
Tokyo Jinja
Thanks for your warm words Loi. And I can’t wait to see the pillow in situ!
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aimeeweinstein
My dear girl, though you will be missed, you can count on me (and my dear son) to be in close touch and support you (plural) wherever you land.
Boveney
I am both coming late to the party and out of the woodwork as I have only just recently discovered this blog and this is my first post. I found Tokyo Jinja a month ago in Shanghai when my husband told me he’d accepted a new job in Tokyo. I read all the archives in pretty much one straight go! This latest post speaks directly to me – my children are third generation ‘internationals,’ that is their parents and grandparents have spent most of their lives working abroad.( I don’t like the term ‘expats’ for the breezy assumption of inflated salaries and benefits and I am also uncomfortable with “TCK”. )
Anyway, what jumps out at me in this post is the element of control, ie there is a decision to be made. I just want to point out that this is a great luxury, as so often we are at the mercy of transfers. My husband and I made it a priority to keep the family together, as did my parents. This resulted in turning down promotions or international commutes (eg, Berkshire, England – Philadelphia). As a result, I hope my son and daughter feel the world is their oyster but it is probably too soon to determine if that is wishful thinking or not. One is based in London, one is in uni in the US.
I have been very impressed (and envious) of the strong home base you have obviously succeeded in building for your daughters. Summers at the shore link them to their home country in a way we never managed to do for our children. We used both international and local schools in various countries and the thing that saddened me most about international schools was the number of children whose focus was purely ‘back Home.’ Those were the ones who I imagined would have the toughest re-entry. But you seem to have struck a wonderful balance between being fully present in your Tokyo life and then reconnecting via wonderful summers and holidays with family in the US.
Finally, a favourite Dickinson quote: “I dwell in Possibility -/ A fairer House than Prose -/ More numerous of Windows -/ Superior – for Doors -” Yes, let the architecture decide!
Tokyo Jinja
Dear Boveney,
How glad I am that you joined the party – first things first – you are going to love Tokyo!!! It is by far the best assignment to be had – if anything, it is so extraordinary that it makes the getting over it extra difficult – does that make sense?
As for me, I really appreciate your comment. I have put much effort into keeping my kids grounded as Americans, while offering them the world. I think it has worked to give them the best of both the cultures they have grown up in, but only time will really tell. As I re-read your comment I realize I wasn’t entirely clear (honest?) in the post about the choice. To go “home” involves being apart from my husband and not being together as a family for a while and making him make other career choices in the near future. I’m not sure that is a bonafide “choice”. Wouldn’t you agree? At the same time Isn’t there a point when it is some other persons turn to drive the bus?
nadia
wow your blog reads like a novel – a great story unfolding. good luck with your choices – I have been bounced around a bit over the last couple of years with my husband’s work too. always a great adventure but I too long for some consistency. one thing I always keep in mind – sometimes every road is the right road as long as you keep moving and have your family with you. good luck. From nads – http://www.lifeovereasy.com
Tokyo Jinja
Love this comment – home is always where the heart is! Stay tuned…
Beth
I found your blog several years ago while living in Kobe, Japan. Because of you, I am now the proud owner of a number of Japanese Floats.:)
Our family is now back in the States after five years abroad. Our oldest daughter returned to finish her Senior year in high school and our younger daughter began high school as a Sophomore. Though there were a few bumps along the way, the confidence they gained living overseas helped them navigate the ups and downs of U.S. high school and they easily were able to gain their stride and shine in a new environment. I have no doubt, if you decide to return to the U.S., your daughters will be able to do the same.
We did find that all the things we thought we missed out on by not living in the U.S. for so many years, were no longer all that important to us once we returned, especially since we no longer had little girls but blossoming young adults.
Qatar sounds an amazing adventure . . . .
I will stay tuned. to learn what your family decides.
Best of luck.